I can’t even think of an analogy or metaphor for how lost I feel right now…
Earlier, well…when I started writing this post, I tweeted this. It has just been one of those mucho frustrating weeks where I feel like I’m doing well because I’m exercising but in reality my eating is nowhere close to where it needs to be and I just am sick of it all. My weight shouldn’t be able to fluctuate 10 pounds every week. That horrifies me to no end because I know if I can’t change it, I’m in some serious trouble.
I mean yeah, I have my days of eating poorly, but I have narrowed them down considerably compared to even a few months ago and I’m still 20 pounds heavier. It was like my body was sick of being at the 225-230 plateau and just shot up 20 pounds. It’s insane.
At times I think “maybe you should take a break from Weight Watchers…” but I don’t really know if that’s the problem. Maybe I just need to track everything and then just actually be proactive about the many audibles my life throws at me. But I know there is more to it than that. My issue is how I look at not so much food, but how I treat meals and the importance of meals as celebrations and fellowship are to me. That’s something incredibly delicate that I have to explore, but I have no clue how to actually navigate that internal conversation.
I’m just mad that this isn’t coming easy to me when it never really has. I try to act like it is as simple as just tracking and being active, but it’s not nor has it ever been. On paper, weight loss is easy, but there are times when you are just pissed at your metabolism and genetics (no offense, ancestors).
I feel trapped in my own head. If I’m not eating, I’m planning my next meal. If I’m not exercising, I’m thinking about what I’m going to do at the gym or how many miles I’m going to run. I do all of this worrying and planning for the 5 seconds I spend on the scale every Sunday morning. There is no end goal any more. I’m just trying to get through the day and the week. At this point, I can’t even fathom the thought of being below 200. I guess I’m losing hope.
At this point, I’m so lost. I’m praying this is some rock bottom that I have to hit before my life goes in to some Rocky-style montage where I train and get in to shape so I can avenge Apollo’s death. All I know is tomorrow is another day and I’ll have to deal with it no matter what. Might as well try my best and see where that gets me.